


A Shadow From The Past

by forgedinbowelsofhell



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Deckerstar - Freeform, F/M, I didn't expect this to get this angsty, Major character death - Freeform, OC, Post S4, not sure if there'll be a happy ending, there's angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-24 21:26:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19732075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgedinbowelsofhell/pseuds/forgedinbowelsofhell
Summary: Six years, and all she wants is still Lucifer. She wants Lucifer to be the one who wines and dines her. She wants Lucifer to be the person she wakes up to. She.. she just wants Lucifer. But Lucifer won’t – can’t come back, and there's nothing she can do.





	1. Chapter 1

My first love was never Eve. It was you, Chloe. It always has been.

She stands there at the balcony, staring up at the stars he put up in the sky. It has become a part of her routine now. When Dan has Trixie, she comes to the penthouse, just to… to mourn him, perhaps. She drinks a few glasses of his finest whisky. Sometimes she finds herself sitting in front of the piano, playing Heart and Soul. His place is bigger than she’s imagined, and it is a literal walk through the history, she learns as she continues to discover. The books, the statues, the paintings. She is careful to keep everything in the same order she found, knowing Lucifer has put thought into each and every one of them. He wouldn’t admit it, but he is a neat freak, especially when it comes to his penthouse. 

The thought makes her smile. Chloe places down the book she’s been reading and strides towards the bedroom. The silk sheets are soft against her skin and she hugs the pillow closer, revelling in the familiar scent of his as she drifts off. She dreams of him, of his return, of what they could’ve had. 

She feels… hollow. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t try shouting at God to bring him back. Life just… becomes a bunch of tasks she needs to get done. Her smiles are empty and she only ever feels alive when she has Trixie around. Chloe isn’t sure how she knows, but she knows not to ask her mother about Lucifer. Somehow, her little girl always knows. Her chest constricts when she notices she’s been selfish. Trixie adored Lucifer – always has. Game nights, Taco Tuesdays and the driving lessons she caught and banned. She deserves to know why one of her favorite people in the world won’t – can’t come back to them.

“Mom?” Trixie’s voice shakes her out of her thoughts and Chloe forces a smile on her lips.

“Sorry, monkey. I was just thinking… maybe we could eat some chocolate cake and talk, hm?” The expression on the little girl’s face informs her she knows it won’t be a fun talk. At her nod, Chloe turns to the fridge. 

They both remain quiet as Trixie slowly digs her fork in the cake, not seeming as excited as she normally is. Chloe’s unsure what to tell her until Trixie decides to come to her rescue. “Maze told me why Lucifer left, mommy. And that he did it for us.”

For the first time in months, Chloe feels tears forming in her eyes. She’s refused to talk to anyone about how she feels. Ella and Dan have learned not to ask a long time ago and Maze has never been one to talk about feelings. She’s turned down Linda’s offers and Amenadiel… well. He told her to pray, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He had been forced to leave his home and she thought… she thought it cruel to keep reminding him what he lost. 

“Yes, monkey,” she finally chokes out, a watery smile on her lips. The right thing. At the expense of his own happiness. She glances up for a split second, pissed off that He would let this happen to his son. “He had to go away to protect his family. I’m not sure if he’ll ever come back, but I want you to know he really cares about you.” Because Trixie has been through enough sorrow – has seen too much death already, she needs to know that much, at least. The little girl nods again and throws herself into her mom’s arms. That night, after she reads her kid a story, she finally allows herself to cry.

Later that week, she goes to Linda. Linda The Therapist, not Linda The Friend. She needs to learn how to deal with all of this, because it feels like someone’s taken out the knife that was in her chest, and the bleeding won’t stop. It is harder to breathe. It is more difficult to visit the penthouse, now. It has been the same ever since the night she talked to Trixie – and has had to acknowledge that Lucifer might not come back.

It gets better with each passing year. She never truly moves on, but she no longer cries. Her tears are replaced by nostalgic smiles each time something reminds her of him. At least she can breathe, now. She feels truly happy every now and then, even though the hole he’s left in her heart is huge. And deep down, she knows Lucifer would’ve wanted her to move on. Despite his selfishness sometimes, he’s only ever wanted what’s best for people he cared about. The past tense suddenly cuts through her thoughts like a sword and her heart aches for the first time in a long while. She squeezes her eyes shut and allows herself a moment before she returns to the paperwork waiting for her.

“Come on!” Ella nudges her as they walk out of the coffe shop and Chloe’s trying to get Lucifer out of her mind. He’s really liked this place after she introduced him to it. She smiles at the memory but her friend mistakes it as her interest in… she already forgot his name. “He’s totally into you, Chlo. I think you should give it a chance.”

..Give him a chance. The man is attractive, she won’t deny it. They’ve bumped into each other a few too many times at the coffee shop, exchanging looks and smiles. She can’t even bring herself to think about touching someone that’s not Lucifer but she knows she can’t live waiting for him. “I’ll think about it,” Chloe finally says, ignoring Ella’s excited squeak. 

She doesn’t want to give anyone a chance. Six years, and all she wants is still Lucifer. She wants Lucifer to be the one who wines and dines her. She wants Lucifer to be the person she wakes up to. She.. she just wants Lucifer. But Lucifer won’t – can’t come back. Dave, though, (yes, she remembered his name) is there. A date can’t hurt, she thinks, and accepts his offer. 

It does hurt. Not because there is something wrong about Dave., but.. but because he isn’t Lucifer and she knows it isn’t fair to compare, but her heart won’t listen. Dave is charming, though, and thoughtful, easy to talk to. He listens to her, which is rare. They drink, they laugh, and eventually he offers to drive her home. Her first instinct is to say no because she doesn’t want him to get any ideas, but he’s been a complete gentleman and the voice in the back of her mind accuses her of making excuses because of Lucifer. She says yes after a moment of hesitance. 

The ride to her apartment is mostly her telling Dave about Trixie, who seems interested rather than troubled. The car comes to a stop and they both fall silent. Chloe offers him a small smile and a nod when Dave asks her if he’ll see her again. They hold each other’s gaze for a moment and Chloe’s mind screams Lucifer over and over again as their lips brush for a chaste kiss. Before she can even worry about Dave misreading the situation, he pulls away and wishes her goodbye. Grateful for his thoughtfulness, Chloe slips out of the car in silence. For a brief moment, a smile forms on her lips. 

…and it dies a quick death when she notices the man she’s been thinking about all evening is a few meters away from her. She freezes on the spot, her heart beating like crazy. “Lucifer?” A sob escapes her as she takes a step towards him, afraid it’s not real, afraid he’ll leave. As if he’s scared, Lucifer steps away from her. She immediately recognizes the look on his face. Regret. His smile is sad and his apology is inaudible as his wings pop into existence and take him away from her again. 

“No,” she shouts, running to where he was standing seconds ago, letting tears escape her eyes. “No, no, no. Lucifer. Please.” Her pleas remain unanswered and she stays there, standing, staring at the sky. “Please.”


	2. Chapter 2

That night, she prays to him for the first time. Her supposedly water proof make-up ruined by her tears, her hair undone, she sits on the bed. Chloe clasps her hands together, shutting her eyes just like she saw Lucifer do that one time at the precinct. Back when she didn’t believe him. When things were much simpler. Sighing wetly, she lets her mind wander to him and hopes this is as simple as she thinks it is.

_Lucifer. I’m so sorry, I.. I could never- I didn’t.._ Her thoughts come to a drift as she sniffles and squeezes her eyes tighter to stop the tears from escaping. _I love you. I kept thinking about you tonight, Lucifer. Please, come back to me if you can. I.. I missed you. Please._

She expects an immediate answer, for the breeze of his wings to caress her skin and let her know, but nothing happens. Chloe slowly opens her eyes and allows herself to be disappointed. Kicking off one of her many sensible brown shoes, she lays down on the bed and drifts off from exhaustion.

The door dips with weight and Chloe wakes. Her breath hitches, afraid to open her eyes and be disappointed all over again. “Lucifer?” She tries, remaining so still that she looks like a statue.

“Hello, Detective,” comes reply, with his British accent she likes a bit too much. Chloe has to force herself to open her eyes. He is sitting on the edge of the bed, a timid expression over his face. She pushes herself up into a sitting position. Her eyes are wide as she stares at him, no sound coming from either of them.

“You ass,” she finally says, breaking down and pushing at his chest weakly when he gathers her in his arms. Despite her attempts, he doesn’t let go of her, and she eventually settles against his chest. Lucifer whispers apologies as she quietly continues to cry. She isn’t sure _why_ she is crying – it’s overwhelming. Her fists are balled in his shirt and even when Lucifer tilts her chin up to look at her, she won’t let go. “Lucifer, last night was..”

He shakes his head, wiping away a tear rolling down her cheek. “I didn’t leave because I was mad. I left because I didn’t want to make you go through this again. It just seems I have terrible timing.” His smile doesn’t reach his eyes and she rethinks his words again in her mind.

“Are you.. you’re going to leave again?” She doesn’t want to hear the answer, but it is unavoidable either way. Lucifer’s nod is small.

“I’ve put everything back in order, but I can’t leave Hell again. I believe a few Earth days every now and then shouldn’t be a problem, but the moment they realise I have no intentions of returning, it will be worse.” 

She can’t find the strength to fight anything anymore. At least it is likely that even if he leaves, they will see each other again. She brings her hand up to his cheek, slowly leanin in for a kiss. He pulls away, but they’re still so close that she can hear his quickened breaths. “It was just one date,” she tries to reassure him, opening her eyes. “It was a stupid date I agreed to because Ella kept insisting and I thought..”

“Detective, I..” He sighs, defeated, and presses his forehead to hers. “Last night, I left because I thought you’d moved on. Then I heard your prayer and I.. I came back to tell you to live your life. Go on dates. Find someone, although your taste in men is very questionable..” A snort escapes him before he continues. “I can’t ask you to waste your life for the very few days we might see each other again. I don’t know how long it will have been for you next time I step on the Earthly plane.”

“I could never forgive myself if my short visits never let you truly heal. I _can’t_ ever be selfish when it comes to your happiness, Chloe.” 

She knows there is no changing Lucifer’s mind. Another tear rolls down her cheek as she tilts her head and offers him a watery smile. “I’d like to hold you if that’s okay,” she finally says and he seems confused by her lack of reaction. After a moment of hesitation, Lucifer takes off his jacket and lays down next to her. Chloe slides closer to him, listening to his heartbeat as she starts telling him about everything that’s happened over the last six years. Trixie’s first heart break, to which Lucifer’s reaction is heart warming and hilarious, Eve and Maze’s bounty hunting, from Charlie’s first steps to his first words and Amenadiel’s challenge with parenting. His occasional comments make her laugh harder than she has in the last six years. Eventually, they fall silent, and she tries to ignore the heaviness on her chest. That today is going to end and he is going to leave.

“Lucifer, I’d rather go through _this_ over and over again than not see you ever again,” she whispers finally, her eyes meeting his. “If _you_ don’t want to wait, I’ll-.”

“I’d wait an eternity if it meant I could finally be with you,” he cuts her off and her heart beats a little faster at his sincerity.

“So would I, and it is my choice.” She is determined. There is always a way. There _has to_ be.

He places a kiss on her temple, nuzzling into her hair. He inhales her scent as if it is his oxygen. “Even if it’s not Hell stopping me, then it will be Heaven in the way.”

_You are going to wither and die,_ he doesn’t say. She has no response to that, because she realizes it is not only her whose heart he’s trying to spare. If she is lucky, she will have her family in Heaven and be with them forever. Meanwhile, Lucifer’s going to lose the only person he’s let into his heart.

“Promise me you will go on a second date?” As playful as he wants to sound, the tears threatening to fall from his eyes are testimony to his pain.

“Only if you promise to come back whenever you can.” Her voice cracks. “Just to let me know you’re alright. You can play the piano for me and I’ll tell you about my boring life. Then you can go.”

“I promise,” he replies and she parrots the words back to him. Chloe buries her head into the crook of his neck. He rubs her back until she falls asleep in his arms, feeling safer and peaceful than she has in a very, very long time.

When she wakes up, it is to an empty bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, maybe it's three chapters now-. I really should've made it a one shot, but I love those cliffhangers a bit too much. Tell me what you think?


	3. Chapter 3

It takes her a longer than acceptable time period to agree to another date, but she eventually does. A third date follows the second, and she finds that it isn’t so terrible to spend time with Dave if she can take her mind off Lucifer. It takes her even longer to introduce him to Trixie, whose reaction, as predicted, not that excited. She’s been rooting for Lucifer since the beginning and Chloe _can’t_ blame her for that, even though she hasn’t noticed it as fast as the little girl did back then. As they eat the chocolate cake Dave brought to break the ice, Trixie continues her questioning. Where Dave works, if he has kids, _why_ he likes her mom. Chloe tries to hide her smile, because her monkey has grown so much and her worry over her mother’s well-being warms her heart. Dave doesn’t seem to mind the questions and towards the end of the conversation, Trixie gives her approval with a wink and a nod.

Later that night, Chloe finds herself in bed, praying. _Hey,_ she says, and immediately regrets not having written what she wants to say. Her mind goes blank for a second, then she finally adds, _Dave met Trixie today. They got along well. But I think she still misses you. I do, too. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I kept my promise and it’s almost been a year here. I hope you’re okay._

Two days later, she finds Lucifer waiting outside her apartment. Her eyes grow wide and she almost drops her shopping bags to the ground. Managing to contain her excitement, she fishes her key out of her purse first and flashes him a smile. “No breaking and entering anymore?” She teases, opening the door and letting him in.

He lets out a chuckle and she places the bags on the counter. “Hello, Detective,” he says, and she can’t stop herself from _crashing_ into him for a hug. He hesitantly places his hands on her back and she hears him make a sound she can’t quite name, but the mix of desperation and happiness in it breaks her heart. She looks up, then, and sees him staring down at her with an adoring expression. And despite the protests of the rational part of her brain, she can’t resist the pull of his lips. Chloe closes her eyes and leans up on her tiptoes to kiss him, only to feel him move and press his lips against her forehead instead. She should be relieved because it is the right thing to do, she’s _dating_ someone, too, but the rejection stings.

“I can cook,” Lucifer says suddenly, but his fake cheery tone doesn’t fool her. She nods at him with another smile and steps out of his way. Perching on top of one of the stools, she watches him work his magic as she tells him about everything that’s happened. It feels like the perfect date, except they both know it isn’t one. Eventually, he announces that he needs to return to Hell, and she finds that she isn’t ready. Even the knowledge that she will see him again one day isn’t enough. She has to return to her _real_ life. What’s worse is that he has to go to Hell, the place he’s been trying to escape for so long.

He wipes away the tears she didn’t realize were falling down her cheeks, promises to come back, and vanishes into thin air. She stares at the place he was standing for God-knows how long and only breaks out of her thoughts when Trixie comes home.

His next visit is three years after the last one. By then, she’s married to Dave, and has what others would call a good life. And she’s grateful, really. Trixie’s a wonderful kid, she has a job she loves, and Dave is great. He is, but she can’t ever share the _celestial_ part of her life with him, and those have always been the best parts of her life. Amenadiel is good at _humanity_ and Linda is, well, Linda. Maze, on the other hand, doesn’t hold back. She mentions Lucifer a few times around Dave and thankfully her therapist friend is there to save the day each time. She knows Dave _knows_ there is something – nay, someone in her past, but he doesn’t question it. If her life wasn’t as chaotic as it is, she is sure she would’ve been happy with Dave. Not that she isn’t, but her heart won’t listen.

So, when she hears the door and rushes to open it, Lucifer is a welcome surprise. “Hey,” she says, then notices Lucifer’s focused on something else. Turning around to see what it is, she _remembers_ Dave’s there. It’s tragicomic. Who forgets that their _husband_ is home? Except, when she sees him, all she can remember is her old life and who can blame her for that? “Detective,” he replies her with a smile and greets Dave with a nod. 

“Lucifer. Morningstar.” He extends a hand and shakes her husband’s hand. His smile borders on kind and threatening at the same time and she doesn’t know how he does it. Chloe interrupts their introduction, telling Dave Lucifer’s her partner, and _regretfully_ witnessing the look on Lucifer’s face when she calls the other man her husband. It isn’t anger or petty jealousy and she knows it. It is a look of longing. Dave invites him in and Chloe promises to prepare dinner in five minutes. They walk out to the back porch to smoke.

She tiptoes towards the backdoor to tell them dinner is ready when she overhears their conversation and stops in her tracks.

“So you’re the one she..” Dave starts and Lucifer cuts him off.

“Yes,” he says, his voice thick. Chloe feels the tears in her eyes forming.

“What happened?”

“I had to leave.” For a moment, she just wishes her partner would tell Dave all the details and make him think he’s crazy, but Lucifer seems to have other plans.

“Are you back for good now?” The question catches her off-guard, apparently Lucifer, too. He laughs a self-deprecating laugh.

“Ah, no. I’m afraid I’m not. She made me promise to visit every now and then, and I always keep my promises.”

Silence hangs heavy and right when she takes another step, Lucifer speaks up.

“She’s truly.. good. And she went through a lot, most of it because of me. She deserves to be happy.” It is a warning, Chloe realizes. He doesn’t sound hostile, but she’s sure Dave is also aware of it.

When she doesn’t hear a reply, Chloe walks in.

His visits aren’t frequent and each time he shows up at her door, she notices how old she’s gotten. He still looks like his old self, handsome and impeccable, while she’s started taking too many medications and wears glasses now. She isn’t sure whether it is because he _notices_ it or he truly doesn’t, but he always remembers to inform her of how beautiful she looks.

He listens to Trixie carefully, offers to _handle_ a few of the guys who’s upset her, and leans back in his seat in satisfaction when he learns that’s Maze’s job. They both tell him they didn’t let her do anything, either, but he knows nothing can stop Maze. During his visits, Dave tends to leave them alone, and Trixie gives them their privacy after a few hours, too. They discuss old cases and argue over who’s helped solve which one. Lucifer likes to claim he’s the reason she’s solved all those cases so quickly, but she’s aware he’s only teasing. It feels so unfair and she always, always finds herself shouting at God after he leaves.

_He doesn’t deserve this,_ she says, and eventually, it always ends with her pleading the same thing, _Let him come home. Please. Please, let him._ He never does.

The next time he comes, she’s prayed. The sudden loss of Dave hits her hard. Lucifer appears next to her within seconds and even though they don’t speak a word, his presence is enough support for her to get through the day. She passes out from exhaustion and wakes up to the smell of dinner, but Lucifer’s left. Chloe can’t find the energy to leave her bed.

Around the time they learn she’s sick, his visits become more frequent. He stays longer and doesn’t leave her side. She tells him to go because this isn’t how she wants him to remember, but he won’t budge. Chloe stops insisting when she sees the terrified look on Lucifer’s face and a tear rolls down his cheek. “Please,” is all he says. She’s going to Heaven and these are their last moments. She manages enough strength to run her hand through his hair and he falls asleep right there, sitting awkwardly in his chair, his face on the bed and facing her.

His _last_ visit.. well. She sees it coming. Somehow, he knows, and the look on his face is going to haunt her for an eternity. She will make sure it haunts God, too, she decides. “Hey, Satan,” she says and her voice sounds weak even to her own ears.

Lucifer manages a broken chuckle and sits down, taking her hand into his. “I want you to move on and live your life,” she says after a while, a pained smile on her lips. She’s parroting what he’d told her all these years ago. He doesn’t make a noise, one of his hands in her hair, admiring it. She knows he won’t make a promise he doesn’t and possibly can’t keep.

“I love you,” he says, his smile tainted by tears. His confession should come off as a shock, but she’s known it for years.

“You have such a big heart,” she says, squeezing his other hand with all the strength she can gather. He needs to be reminded, every now and then. He’s spent eons with the filth of humanity, but still remains _just_ in his own ways, is still a good man. “And we will meet again.”

He waits until her eyes close and the machines he hates so much start going crazy to finally allow himself to break down. 

All he can do is return to his unwanted yet apparently well-deserved kingdom, feeling more alone than he has in his whole life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh. I'm scared to ask, but tell me what you think?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, I was going to make it a one-shot, but this point felt like a natural cliffhanger. Soooo, you're getting two chapters, hopefully the rest will be longer and posted in a few days. I'd reaaally appreciate your feedback!


End file.
